Tuesday, July 13, 2010

I can live without that...

There are a number of things that I could NEVER live without. I won’t bore you with the entire list. Yes, there is a list. I list everything. I even have a list of everyone I love. EVERYONE In ranked order. (just kidding, sorta) But, back to the subject at hand Let me provide you a peak into things that I cannot live without.

I could never live without:

My Hubby: The Boy is fantastically wonderful

My Ladybug: My overweight, attitude having, pink loving, manicure getting Chihuahua that visits a pet psychic-Nuff said

My DVR: How did we exist before this invention? Clearly in a dreadful existence

InStyle Subscription: I Love this magazine. Coming home and finding it in the mail is like Christmas, but every month, with petty clothes on every page.

Manicures: Oh, I love manicures. There is something about a weekly color change on my nails. Whether it’s a classic Essie shade of Pink or a wild funky Summer shade, manicures make me feel a little like Whitney Gilbert of Different World

Cheese: Do I even have to provide an explanation. Death to those idiots who don’t like cheese (Shout out to Whit)

Laughter: OMG! I laugh heartily, not a soft passive laugh; but a hearty laugh daily. I laugh at work, with The Boy, with my gal pals, and even at people. Yes, AT PEOPLE. I laugh at people all the time. Usually stupid and ugly people. Get a life, Im just joking. But, I do love laughing

Books: Do you remember Captain OG Readmore of Saturday Morning Cartoons. How about Levar Burton on Reading Rainbow. Boy, do I love a yummy good book. I try to read a book a week. Sometimes, Ill even juggle a few at a time

So, thats just a sampling of things that I cant live without… But that was stuff that I cannot live without. Now , let me tell you some mess, that I could definitely live a fulfilled happy, pleasant, meaningfully, adjusted, cathartic, romantic, friendly, funny, life without You get the point. If you dont, let me translate: I don’t need this ish (shout out to Erika for alternate version of profane language)

I now present, Stuff I could live without!

1. Cold pastas-COLD PASTAS? WTF I hate cold pastas. I just don’t get it. You cook it and then cool it. Sounds counterproductive to me. I guess its ok. I just don’t like it when Black people make it. They really think that they are inventive or clever it makes them feel like they are getting their Bobby Flay on. Cold Pasta. Sheesh. No thanks. Ill have my spaghetti with marinara or my penne with some other sauce. But yeah, WARM

2. Cigarettes+perfume So, I don’t know who these women are that think that cigarette smell can be masked with perfume. It's the worst possible combination. You suck down a nicotine suicide bomb and then spray 22 bursts of the cheapest "designers imposter's" musk that you can find. I am usually the innocent bystander. I happen to be getting on the elevator, on my way to work. I'm usually humming a christian melody or something. (just go with it.) So, yeah, I'm beautiful dressed in virginal white, skipping to work and in the best mood. I get in the elevator and immediately I know. The smoking musk bandit has joined me. I look to my right and inevitably it's a short overweight woman that has her cigarette lighter in hand plus her pack, from which she just pulled her cigarette. She's obviously done with her "smoke break." As if the overwhelming nicotine isn't enough; its her dreadful perfume that she doused on right before she left for her break. She thinks it calms the nicotine. There's clearly something in cigarettes that when it meets that musk it creates one foul funky odor. Good day. I can totally live without that combination.

3. Facebook/Twitter socialists: I hate socialists. They suck. Wasn't Stalin a socialist? I dunno. But I've decided that some people on FB and Twitter are socialists... Here's what prompted this. The other day, some random folks decided that on that particular day they wanted to take a day off from their normal random twitter/fb commentary randomness and focus on a major current event of the day. I'm okay with that portion. The current event was actually relevant and I was pleased to see people taking an interest in civic and current issues. What I could and can live without; was the elitist attitude that these punks took. B/C on that day, they decided to stop whining about nonsense and to follow something, they started making comments on the mass of folks who chose not to devote their FB or twtitter commentary to said subject. They really felt important and self righteous. They were judging us for not following in their footsteps and speaking on the subject. As I laughed at their ignorance, I was also outraged. Where are these idiots on a daily basis when less publicized but not less important realities are taking place? How dare they sit on their socialist throne and judge me b/c I prefer to keep my fb and twitter statuses just as I like. You FB/Twiter socialist; if you were more constant with your social commentary and not sporadically aware; then i might enjoy you. But, b/c you are nothing more that a Stalin of social networking, eh, I can live without you.

4. Bad Children... Me no Likey. This is controversial, but I have no problem saying it. Kids are real people; just smaller and younger versions. Ergo, I have no qualms with referring to a kid with the same disdain that I do with full sized adults. I don't want to hear your feedback ; so save it. They are well aware that they are jerks and jerketts. I don't like bad kids. I know a young kid and I want nothing more than to punch him. He's a full fledged jerk. But, I guess b/c he's a kid and all; i have to respect his youthfulness and ignore his disrespect. Yeah, whatever. If that young punk even looks at me crazy again, I'm kicking his butt. Promise. Well, half promise. I don't want to go to jail. But, yeah, I don't like bad kids.

5. Discount Cards-CVS/Kroger/Randalls I hate those idiotic key fobs. I hate providing my personal information so that Big Brother can monitor my spending habits... i don't understand the purpose of these cards. Why not make the card prices the regular prices and call it a day. How many of us don't have the damn cards anyway? Well, at the grocery stores, there probably are enough folks that don't have the cards, that they make a killing on full prices. Some folks that are just running in for 1 item and don't feel like providing their information... However, at CVS, even if you don't have the card, they just scan one in anyway. For some reason, even though I'm saving money and the cashier has just done me a huge favor by scanning their register card; I get angry. Dammit, I don't want a card involved. Don't swipe anything. I'm an idiot, i want to pay $90 for that gum vs $1.00. I just hate the idea of those cards. I hate people that have 78 of those plastic dirty cards on their key rings. Talk about unsanitary. Those things have got to be filled with grit and germs. I'm sure that people who have those cards also have more frequent cases of colds and other outbreaks. The CDC should issue a warning about them. I could live a perfectly happy existence without ever having to deal with one of those things again.

For your reading enjoyment; please find more things I could live without in a simple list format:

bad liars-liars who convince me are ok. horrible ones suck

crawfish-never gotten into that mess

cursive-i rarely use it

dominoes-i hate the sound, look, and feel of dominoes (the game, not the pizza)

citgo gas-who gets gas from there anyway

male strippers-like for real... really?

elizabeth hasselback-does this really require an explanation