Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Who says that judging is wrong... Okay, maybe it's a teeny bit wrong...

Don't judge me.
Thou shall not judge.
Who are you to judge?

Well, I'll tell you this...
Don't give me a reason to judge you.. and I wont.
I will judge you if you are crazy.
And finally. I'll tell you who I am... I'm NOT crazy... You, Sir/Mam; you are crazy.

As we move into 2010, and you foolishly attempt to create a resolution(s), I will graciously share this info with you. You can add these items to your handy dandy resolution/To Do or Not To Do List.
This is my public decree: If I witness, see or experience any of the following; I am allowed to judge.

1. If you have jherri curl, perm(on non Blacks), hairstyle like Kate of Jon&Kate fame, french roll, or I can judge. (I have seen people walking around with full fledged jheri curls in 2009; the later part of 2009 too)
2. If you have a mini van, I can judge. Don't give me the crap about families. They make Tahoes for that reason.
3. Camaros, Grand-Ams, Mustangs: If you own or plan to own any of these-JUDGEMENT. I hate everything about each of these cars. The mustang is probably the least offensive. But all of these reek of Tomball.
4. If you use your Facebook/Twitter as a tool for displaying your gross income, clothing inventory, or other method for bragging in a soulful fashion, I WILL JUDGE. So, you better come hard... And by hard, I mean Buffet. Warren Buffet that is.
5. If you don't get my humor and take yourself too serious, then JUDGEMENT FOR YOU.
6. If you are single and like to constantly judge married couple's relationships, then I am judging every ounce of you. That should be a law or something. Like Murder 1. Single people should not judge marriages. They just shouldn't. AT ALL. Well, I don't think non parents should judge parents.
7. If you tell me that you have auditioned for America's Top Model, I can do nothing but judge you. You better be a mini Giselle.
8. If you tell me that you don't have time for TV, or don't watch TV, or any other condescending comment about TV, I will judge you unless you are a well read, New York Times reading, Malcolm Gladwell quoting, Constitution Expert, "This American Life" listening to, gourmet cooking fool. I know that's a lot. But, hey...
9. If you are homophobic, but you have premarital sex, lie, just miss the mark in life generally; I AM FULL OF JUDGEMENT.
10. If you don't tell all of your friend's that this is the funniest blog, then... Okay, okay, that was a whack one.
11. If you have a cat, I am so sorry. You deserve every piece of judgement that I can muster up.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

These are a few of my favorite things...

I love that song. It always makes me feel warm and toasty inside. "These are a few of my favorite things."
That song always comes to mind when I receive a weekly present from my dear old dad. However, the gifts are NEVER any of my favorite things. Not even things that I sorta like. They are things that have NEVER crossed my mind. ever...
My dad called me this week and asked me to rush over, explaining that he had a few time sensitive gifts for me... Well, of course, I make my trip over to receive the following delights from Dear Old Dad...

Gift #1: Sequined Jacket
I've never owned anything sequined. Although sequins are back, if done in the most fabulous way. However, I have never owned nor worn sequins, so why Dad thought I would enjoy this jacket is beyond me. Wait, I just remembered. My madre wore a number of sequined berets and tops. Maybe he's confused us. I bet that's it.

Gift #2: Faux Black fur jacket with leopard lining

Dad actually gave me an awesome floor length mink one year. Its pretty cool. However, this Hannah Montanna jacket is far from mink. It looks like something Kim Zolziack would wear, if Big Poppa wasn't in her life... Yeah Dad, I love scratchy hard fur jackets that could chafe my arm and cause allergic reactions. Thanks!

Gift #3: Food Selection plus random holiday toy

Dad provided me an opened box of Crunch n Munch that was almost empty plus some Latin hydrogenated dessert vending matching treat. There was also some random holiday toy. I sure love random Mexican bakery treats plus old stale eaten Crunch n Munch. Yeah, not so much. Does this man even know who I am?

There was also a few other items that I shall list for you:
1. mail that was sent to me over 4 months ago (He's quite timely, have I mentioned)
2. mail that was sent to him
3. a receipt from the dollar store
4. a golden corral 15dollar gift card
5. a pocket calendar

There was actually one gem in all of that fun. There was a really cute jacket. I wont describe it more, b/c Ill be rocking it soon.
See, that's the thing about this insane smorgasbord of gifts, there could always be one diamond floating around. So, i have to sift through it all to ensure that I am not missing anything.
These are a few of my favorite things. I still hear that warm song playing in my ear, as I take my thoughtful gifts from Dad and put in the trash and Goodwill pile. God love him, he's my dad...

Saturday, November 28, 2009


If you've ever read a line from this amazingly witty, hilarious blog; then you've noticed how much I adore awkward moments. Well, not sure how much I adore them, but certainly, I attract them.

As we wrap up the lovely Thanksgiving Holiday, I would be remiss if I failed to share some of my newest but still awesomely awkward moments.

1. Pedicure Boob Touchage: Otherwise known as PBT

Either my pedicure technicians are secret lesbians or NONE of them have mastered how to reel in their boobs when performing a pedicure. Imagine this. I'm relaxing enjoying my pedicure and the tech is busy doing her thing. Somehow, this really AWKWARD moment happens where the tech bends down and her boob grazes my toes/feet. It not only happens quickly and once, but this touch can occur multiple times during one pedicure session.

I instantly feel awkward and bend my toes over in a protective position.

The techs never seem to notice this boob graze nor do they seem to care. I've never been one to generalize or stereotype; but I do believe these women all want me.

What other reason would explain their frequent accidental touches?

2. Grandmother and her handbag

This wont be a long entry. However, my Grandmother is a very interesting woman. She's been known to rock a pair of very large framed Gucci frames while wearing red biker shorts with a hospital scrub top. Oh, and she has blondish hair. Wait, one more thing. She has a long Lincoln.

Well, this Thanksgiving, she didn't fail to give me a hearty dosage of her fashion style. I happen to look over at her purse and notice that it's covered in vibrant hot summer hues; pink, lime, and neon blue.

I look a tad more and notice that it's a Dereon handbag.

Yes, Dereon.

Okay, for those not in the loop and don't feel bad if you aren't. Consider yourself lucky if you have no inkling of Dereon. However, Beyonce and her mother created a fashion line, House of Dereon. It was intended to be a couture esque line found at department stores. ick, might I add.

As much as I love Beyonce, there is nothing couture esque or even fashion esque about that Ross/Marshall's destined lined.

Anyway, Dereon is the junior based line of House of Dereon. Dereon is for the middle and high school aged buyer.

So, back to Grandmother. Yes, she had a Dereon handbag.

If there's anything worse than having a House of Dereon article of clothing, it would be having a Dereon article of clothing. Especially, if you're 70+ and have a summer hued junior's handbag.


3. Oprah talking over her guests

Okay, let me preface this entry by delicately reminding people how much I love Oprah. I've gotten into some very heated arguments with dear friends and family regarding Oprah. Now, I don't give her a God Like Status; but I do think she's uber fabulous. I wont turn this into an Oprah Obsessed entry.

However, needless to say, I think Oprah has done more good for this world than bad.

There is one thing that Oprah has always been guilty of that drives me batty.

Lately, as she's gotten older and richer, this thing has become more frequent and more awkward.

The awkwardness has spilled into a number of interviews; the most recent with Sarah Palin.

Now, I'm not a Sarah Palin fan, politically. However, Oprah did invite the woman on her show.

She invites her on the show; then proceeds to cut her off many times and talk all over her.

I don't think Oprah had to work hard to make Sarah Palin sound like an idiot, she should have just let her do her own thing. But no, Oprah would get all serious and deepen her voice. In the baritone tone, she would question her and say things like, "but in the book, you mention that you thought how easy it would be to not have the baby." Oprah, we get it. The woman considered abortion for a split second. People consider many things for a split second and have the right to rethink those considerations.

I get where Oprah was going, but it was just all kinds of awkward. That deep voice that she gets talking over people, not letting them finish their sentences.


Wednesday, July 29, 2009

House Party A la 2009

Who remembers the campy early nineties movie, "House Party"? I do. Obviously...

I never really was a House Party fan. I had to succumb to peer pressure and check it out like most other urban black children, but I definitely don't quote lines from it or anything.

It's not in my Top 10 or Top 50 for that matter.

However, it is on my mind due to the lead female characters in the movie.

Wait, let me backtrack for my readers that aren't familiar with "House Party".

House Party starred Kid N Play. If you don't know who they are, then this entry is lost on you; so just give up.

I don't remember all the details but, basically one of these flat topped idiots has a house party. Somehow there are girls involved and having sex with the girls is somehow involved.

Or something like that...

Well, the two friends are characters, Sidney and Sharane. Sidney seemed to be the Girl Next Door, well Black Girl Next Door and Sharane was the more "around the way" kind girl.

For my non urban readers, Sharane looked like she was rode hard and put up wet.

See image of Sidney and Sharane. Check out that alliteration. Sidney and Sharane... SSSSSS

Anyway, one of my fave gal pals, and I mean, FAVE gal pals sorta reminds me of a 2009 version of Sidney. And there are times, after I've had an impromptu pool party complete with an intoxicating beverage or two and makeup streaming down my face, that I resemble a 2009 Sharane.

See image...

You be the judge...

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Great Injustices of the World

As an activist and humanitarian, I cannot continue to write this VERY FUNNY blog without speaking on injustices that I witness. (Notice, i said very funny blog) Anyway, I think witnessing a crime and standing by watching is a much bigger crime; than the crime itself. I am so philosophical. I am now standing tall and speaking about the inequalities and injustices of this great world. I challenge you to join me in fighting the great fight and stopping these injustices.

Donnie Klang-INJUSTICE #1 So, MTV has made a mint from the Puff Daddy Making the Band series. For those of you unfamiliar; Puff AKA Diddy AKA Puffy AKA Puffy AKA Puff Daddy has a reality TV show in which he creates a band. He invites singers/rappers to audition and chronicles their audition process. He then extends the process by creating another series in which the made band is chronicled as they create their first sometimes second album. The concept was originally done on ABC and had nothing to do with Puffy. The band that was made was called, OTown or something like that. They were a NySnc/Backstreet Boys type band. Diddy has taken this concept and made it far more interesting by moving it to MTV. By interesting, I would mean, fights, lots of tattoos, and lots of ignorant cussing. So, yeah I love it. Well, the last band that he made is Day 26. They're alright. However, one of the audtioners was Donnie Klang. Donnie is an Italian dreamy Nysncish type singer. Well, once Puffy announces the band and picks the contestants that have made the band; he announces that Donnie Klang will not be a part of the band, Day 26. Donnie will be a solo singer on Puffy's label. I was immediately angry. Donnie could and should have been picked up by Jive or some other label that produced groups like NSync, Justin Timberlake, or some other teeny bopper group. Puffy is the worst kind of rich person. He gobbles up people and things, just to have them. Donnie is on this label, Bad Boy; Puffy's label. I just don think Donnie is getting the appropriate treatment that he should be getting. I just have this feeling that Puff knew that Donnie had the makings of a star, and felt that he should lock him up rather than sit by and watch Donnie get signed by another label. So, guess what? Now, Donnie is just floating on Bad Boy, Puff's label. Donnie is not being taken care of.

I'M MAD. ANGRY. I DEMAND THAT PUFF RELEASE DONNIE AND ALLOW HIM TO HAVE THE CAREER HE SHOULD HAVE. I don't like Puff. join me tomorrow, when I discuss teachers that eat in the classroom in front of their students.

Monday, April 27, 2009

An Ode to Sharpstown Mall

This is probably one of the toughest entries that I've ever written. Why, you ask?
Sharpstown Mall, or simply Sharpstown as I know it, is near and dear to my heart.
I bought my first Bart Simpson T-shirt there. Remember those shirts? DON'T HAVE A COW MAN! Aye Carumba! I even fell in love with Helly Kitty there. Yes, more about that later.
It was one of my fave places in the city. That, and Astroworld. Oh Astroworld, you deserve your own blog entry. I wont even disrespect you by adding you to my ode to Sharpstown.

For my international readers, because I have many. Let me explain to you what Sharpstown is. Sharpstown Mall is located in Southwest Houston, off of Highway 59/Southwest Freeway at the Bellaire/Fondren exits.
Sharpstown Mall was a premiere mall from the seventies through the late 90'. Well, maybe mid 90's.
It was a great centrally located mall. It housed the major dept stores such as Montgomery Wards, Foley's, JC Penney, Dillards. Oh wait, how could I forget that elegant Palias Royal?
So, yes. Sharpstown had all of the best stores. Contempo Casuals, 579, Merry Go Round, Oaktree (soulful store for men), plus Gap, Limited, and all of the other standard mall fare. My sister and I used to catch the METRO to Sharpstown. We'd hop on the 2 Bellaire and head there with our allowance ready to paint the mall red!
Whew, I loved that mall.
It even had a Walgreens in the mall. That was pretty cool.
Everyone, and I mean everyone, went to Sharpstown.
Then, a funny little thing called apartment living and suburbia happened.
More folks started moving to the burbs and more random people started moving into town in apartments. As that shift became more prevalent, Sharpstown mall begin to change.
Sharpstown was where I first met Hello Kitty. They had a store called Rainbow Fair on the 2nd level, that had all of the Sanrio Products. See, this mall was chic! They had Sanrio going hard in the 80's and 90's.
Anyway, I noticed the Rainbow Fair store closed, then Contempo closed. Before, you knew it; all of the cool stores were closing.
Pretty soon, the mall only had sneaker stores. It was hooded out.
It's now a flea market. A true flea-market with knock off, bad knock off clothing, shoes, purses, 1000 tennis shoe stores, and many kiosks with fake gold teeth clip on's and fake diamond earrings.
It breaks my heart to know what was there and what is there now.
Up until two Saturdays ago, I still went to Sharpstown. Even though it is a flea market and I could very easily be murdered there. For real, there have been murders there.
Well, I kept going because of one place-Coastal Cookies. I would go to Coastal Cookies weekly.
CC is a cookie place. Not just any cookie place, but THE COOKIE PLACE.
They sold bags of flattened soft yet crispy cookies. I don't even know how to explain. You could get sugar, peanut butter, chocolate chip, oatmeal raisin, and chocolate chip and pecans.
They sold them by the qtr pound for like 1 buck.
Up until two weeks ago, I'd take my 5 bucks and get as many chocolate chip cookies as I could get.
Well, I should have started to worry about a month ago. On a trip to CC, I noticed that the food court only had 1 operating restaurant. That should have been my tell tale sign.
But, I didn't take heed to it. I couldn't.
I happily walked into Sharpstown two weeks ago and saw that the lights were off at Coastal Cookies.
Literally, I wanted to cry. Those that know me know that I am a real life Cookie Monster. CC is a huge part of my life.
So, now I'm mad. I hate Sharpstown. I hate every normal person that moved to the burbs and started going to Westwood and West Oaks, and Memorial City. I hate all the gangstas that moved into the city and helped to transform Sharpstown into the gangstas paradise that it is now. yeah, gangsta. Not gangster.
I'm mad.

Oh, yeah, and Sharpstown also had this really cool place called Phymsical Whimsical, which nobody except me seems to remember.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Awkward Moments

I've said it once and I'll say it again, I live for awkward moments. If I am personally involved with them, I usually HATE them. But, once the awkwardness subsides, I usually love them.
Now, if it's an awkward moment with someone else, I immediately love them. Well, it's a love/hate relationship. It's one of those things where I want to run and turn my head yet I yearn for them.

I usually sing AWK-WARD in my best soprano voice, when something awkward happens. I'd like to share a few AWK-WARD moments with you...

I had a few guys over from church that are apart of a ministry that I am in. The group is all guys plus myself. So, the guys are all over for a meeting and our pastor came over to shoot a video. Our pastor is looking around the house for good places to shoot the group. The guys are milling around as well. Well,the video is successful. Done deal. EXCEPT... after everyone has left, I'm walking around; feeling pretty good about the video, the ministry, everything.
I walk past my bookshelf in the living room and notice a foreign object kinda floating on the bookshelf. I stop, bend down to examine. Guess what? It was my THONG. Literally. My thong was sitting on the bookshelf, crotch out. Just sitting there. Well, I immediately didn't think much of it. I'd recently unpacked my luggage in the living room, and realized that it probably flew out of suitcase and landed there. I kinda giggled and just picked it up.
Wait... It hit me. OMG. Marlon, my pastor and the guys had been walking around the living room. GASP! They saw my thong... OMG. Well, at least it was clean.
Still, GASP...
AWKWARD! Of course, I wont ask any of them. That's insanity.

Have you ever been to one of those ignorant passion parties? I have twice; never again. Well, I was invited to a dear friend's bachelorette party. The party was intertwined with a passion party. First of all, a passion party makes my flesh crawl. It's synonymous with UGGH; in the most UGGH way that you can think of.
So, I didn't want to be a party pooper and judgemental. I tried to be as polite, diplomatic, and as joyful for the bride as possible. We were encouraged to spend X amount of dollars, so that the birde could receive free gifts. I made my obligatory purchase of the safest thing possible. I had no intention of ever using the items.
Anyway, I come home and show Ray some lubricant that I purchased. please note: i DID NOT NEED NOR WANT THIS. It was just the cheapest and most generic purchase that I could make. I came home and jokingly showed Ray my newest purchase. He muttered an "uggh" and put the bottle on his night stand. My friend Erika comes over Sunday night. I was in the middle of changing the sheets when she arrived; so I asked her to come in our room and sit in this chair while I finished changing the sheets. Erika comes in, sits in the chair and that's that. Sheets changed, I talk to Erika, she goes home. Day over.
The very next day, I am in the room and look over at the chair and realize that it's very close to Ray's night stand. I then realize that the friggin lubricant is sitting out on Ray's nightstand. GROSS!!!
I was so embarrassed. AWK-WARD. I had to call her back and explain the entire situation, beginning with the passion party. I needed her to know how I met the friend, when the passion party was, why I chose the lubricant. The whole 9.
I was so embarrassed. I swear we've never touched that bottle. As a matter of fact, I'm throwing it out right now.

Now that I've written an epic novel I'm going to end this very awkward post with someone else's awkward moment. This was an awkward post. It involved underwear, ministries, lubricant, friends. Just all sorts of awkward topics.

So, I have a good friend. This friend is a very sharp, smart, likable good guy. he happens to be African. Actually Nigerian. Which in America, equals Black. Anyway, he's a Rice graduate and has a great career with a great company. He's worked very hard since he's been at this company to ensure that his White counterparts don't stereotype him. (Too all my non Black readers, you might be thinking he's a Rice graduate, of course they wouldn't think he's a "stereotypical black guy". Well, they still do. He get random fist bumps versus a hand shake. He gets random quips of urban lingo. Anyway, no big deal. No hurt feelings. All minorities including women have our own stories of having to help educate the majority on treating us like regular counterparts and not like characters from Good Times.
Anyway, so he's done very well and has great colleagues. He's made great strides and his work has spoke for himself.
Well, the other day said friend walks into a company meeting. A big company meeting. The CEO is speaking at this meeting. My friend walks in and a counterpart who happens to be White, says to friend, "Hey Man, you changed your look, huh". This colleague is practically shouting this. My friend, is like what are you talking about. He's thinking what could be different. The coworker says, VERY LOUDLY, "your earring.". My friend was so embarrassed. He wears his earring on weekends. It's his tribute to urban life. LOL. Anyway, he forgot to remove his faux diamond earring. He sheepishly removes the earring.
All that work, gone down the drain. Even with his fancy pants Rice degree, that earring makes him closer to a gang banger than Tiger Woods. Man, I feel bad for him.
Well, not really. He's super smart and very well respected at his company, so I'm sure it's no big deal. But, still that's awkward.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Jon and Kate Plus HATE her hair

See there... That's Kate. Kate of Jon and Kate plus 8.

I hate Kate's hair. I have some issues with Kate's personality, but this is not the forum for Kate bashing. This is all about bashing Kate's horrible hair.

Her hair is a perfect representation for her. It's so Deer Park esque. (Huge apologies to the residents of Deer Park).

I feel like she goes to same salon where the stylist has chunky highlights and wears all black a la Visible Changes but on a smaller scale.

Kate's hair practically screams, "Yes, I do have over 9000 kids, but I can still be cool. Look at the asymmetrical bob that I am rocking. Notice that I spike the back like an idiot."

I want nothing more than to whack the side of her hair so that its even and comb that silly spike down.

Her hair makes me cry. It saddens me. The hair products that she faithfully applies to this mess saddens me.

Oh and btw, Kate, if you're reading this... You need to whoop Cara. I don't think I support spankings, especially when a child is over 4. At that point, it's like fighting them. But, Cara needs something more than a time out.

Yeah, Kate must be crazy, if she thinks that 2001 horrible hair style is rocking...

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

What If? + Facebook = Terror

"What If" is a game that I play often. I know... Sounds innocent enough... But, my What If's are always so extra, so over the top, and so unnecessary. I usually play What If with Myah or Ray.


Nadia to Ray: What if you came home and I was naked in bed with another man?

Nadia to Myah: What if I kidnapped Avi (Myah's daughter)?

"What If" is so fun to me...

So, Myah and I were parking lot pimping at the neighborhood Chili's the other day and started a What If Game in regards to Facebook statuses. We came to the conclusion that it would not be fun.

Here is some of our best work:

Nadia is horny.
Myah is a complete liar.
Nadia is suicidal.
Myah is thinking about cheating on her husband.
Nadia is stealing money from her job.
Myah hates her in-laws.
Nadia is cheating on her husband.
Myah is watching porn.
Nadia thinks her best friend's marriage is horrible.
Myah is in love with Nadia's husband.
Nadia killed a man last night and buried him in her backyard.
Myah has an eating disorder.
Nadia chews and spits food.
Myah hasn't bathed in two weeks.
Nadia left her children at home and went to a bar and passed out.

I think you get it. We answered our own What If. If people did have statuses like that, Facebook would be even better.

Monday, February 23, 2009


I have a confession. I finally admitted it to myself today. Now, I'm sharing with you. I haven't even told my husband this.

I am dying to talk just like Claire Huxtable. (If you don't know who Claire Huxtable is, just go away. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. You are no longer welcome in my world) I love the way that woman talks.

She's so sassy yet polished. She even finishes her sassiness sometimes with a run from a song or a sister girl neck roll that is soooo not sister girl. I love her.

I'm just dying to say to Ray: " Ray, I know you are not leaving your underwear on the floor." Ray will say something and I will follow up with, "Sir, when you have your own personal maid around here then you can do stuff like that. Until then, please march your behind to the nearest hamper." This will be accompanied by a major neck roll and finger wagging. I will finish all of this by singing in a total blues voice, "This man is making me crazy."

The audience will laugh and the show will fade out.

Don't you love Claire's sassiness? I do.

Monday, February 16, 2009

I think Doritos and unknown preserves are a great gift, don't you?

So... I've been away for a while. Kinda tired. Plus my Dad and I are on the outs, so I've been in a remission from his gifts. No worries, I'll get more soon.
But, I will share with you the last treasure that I received from him.
Gift 1: Misc food items

So this particular present consisted of a bag of Doritos of varied flavors. I didn't even know that Doritos even made a duel flavor option bag. So, yeah, a bunch of chips. Thanks Dad. I really needed about 15 large sized bags of Doritos. If you look closely, you will notice a jar in the center of the Doritos. Yeah, that's a jar of preserves of something unknown. I don't eat preserves. Hell, I've never even understood the preserving concept. That's just country stuff. Anyway, yeah, not sure what's being preserved in the jar, but I don't want it.

Thanks Daddy. I'll never be hungry again. Not with these Doritos and preserves.
Well, my Dad doesn't stop there. He also dabbles in gits of fashion for me. He decided to head to his local thrift store and purchase 2 pair of shoes for me. One is a sized 7, one is a 6.5. I wear an 8.
The first pair is a very dusty old Salvatore Ferragamos. They're not even that bad... They're just used, dusty, and stinky. Plus the wrong size.
The next pair could almost be cute. Except for the the stinky, old, dusty factor.

Well, at least I'll never be hungry or shoeless thanks to my father.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Good Times

I watch Good Times every night. Yes, that Good Times... JJ, Thelma, Wilona, James...

Right before I go the bed; I pull up an episode on my DVR. Ray gets mad about me recording them since I own all the seasons on DVD. Oh well, he'll get over it.

I've seen every episode 3.1478093372028373y1-18472828282828 times. I never get tired of that show. It literally warms my soul. Something about poor people living in the ghetto and never getting out; makes me feel all good and toasty inside. (Well, they do get out. But, that's the last episode.)

Ray coaxed me into participating in this fast with him. We can only eat fresh fruit and veggies. We can have egg whites and oatmeal for breakfast. I was game for that. However, he added in the stipulation of giving up radio and TV. NO TV!!!! Yikes, what did I get myself into?

I'm dying. Well, really I'm not. I can't believe that I'm missing (in no particular order:

Daddy's Girls, The Bachelor, American Idol, Intervention, Real World, The Real Housewives of OC, LOST...

Most importantly, I'm missing the Evans family.

No worries, I'll be back to TV Friday after 5.

I can't wait to turn that DVR on and catch up. More importantly, I can't wait to get in that bed, pull those covers down, get in, rub my feet together, and fall asleep (with my glasses on) to some soulful woman singing:

"Ain't we lucky we got em.... Good Times!!! Yayyyyyyyyyyyyyy".

Monday, January 26, 2009

My Daddy- a gift giver for kings

So, many of you have heard me talk about my Daddy. Well, if you haven't; you've missed some damn good stories. He's quite the character.

Well, let's just say that he didn't wear his dentures to my wedding; he brought a bag of bills and money orders for me to mail out for him to my wedding, and he's a real life hoarder. Like seriously. However, he is who he is. He loves me. I'm pretty certain of that and he would give me anything...

Well, he actually gives me anything and everything. I usually go see him every Sunday. It never fails, he always has a gift for me. I've decided to document these gifts, so that everyone can share in my fun.

Although I do poke fun and laugh, and many times/most times, trash the gifts; I do love the thought of them. They're from my Daddy.

So, here are pics from the recent gifts that I've received from him.

Exhibit #1- A huge life sized turquoise teddy bear

You can't really appreciate the beauty of the stuffed animal, b/c of the odd angle that I took the picture. However, there's an interesting story to accommodate this present. My father is a regular at a neighborhood hole in the wall. He goes almost every day to partake in drink or two or three or four. Anyhoo, for the past few years, he's decided to throw a Christmas Party for friends and family at this place. The club is literally the size of my family room. Anyway, he really prepares for this and spends crazy amounts of money on gifts for attendees, friends, and the bartenders and waitresses at this spot. This year, like all others, I arrive to spend my obligatory 30 minutes. I walk in and notice the bear and my father says, "Baby, that's yours." He says this with a huge smile as if it's a brand new Mini Cooper (which by the way I want. I'm so over my suv).
Long story short, as he walks me out to my car, he picks up the teddy bear. However, the bear is so huge and the club is so small, he knocks over some of the club patron's drinks...
Ugghhh. Oh by the way; did I mention that the bear is used? It's slightly dirty and has a slight brown tint covering it's old turquoise fur. It is currently sitting on my front porch waiting for it's overdue trip to the Salvation Army.

Exhibit #2: Sassy Gift:

The Sunday before last, he presented me a more practical gift than the used stuffed animal. This time it was "boots" and punch.

I should follow that statement by adding that the boots are silver and really not boots. There are big gaping holes in them, intentionally, and resemble something a stripper would wear. A cheap stripper. A cheap stripper with three missing teeth in Willis, Texas.

The punch was Tampico. I didn't even look at the flavor. I know just by the name that I don't like Tampico.

But I love my Daddy.

You must be crazy if you don't love my Daddy's gifts. More to come... This Sunday it was food based.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Transfer students

Do you remember transfer students? I do. I have a very negative and skewed connotation of these people. Remember, you'd be working in class, coloring with map pencils, and all of a sudden, a school administrator walks in your classroom with this foreign person. You learn that they are a transfer student; they have left their former school and have joined your school mid year.
I was so intrigued yet afraid of these people. I always felt that their transfer came with a story. Perhaps, they were kicked out of their old school, maybe they moved from Rhode Island, maybe their father left the family abruptly and their mom had to move to an apartment.
I apologize in advance for my misguided thoughts. I was quite structured and disciplined with school. I had Perfect Attendance all the way until 10th grade. I was the Teacher's Pet from Kinder - 6th grade. So, the thought of transferring is equivalent to forgery, money laundering, and or murder. You just don't do it.
How can one transfer? You have to start all over... What about your permanent record? You know... That record that our parents and school administrators spoke about... If you are a transfer it can be dirtied, filthy, filled with conflicting school dialogue, different color ink, and hand prints from different people shuffling it around.
Transfer students are like James Dean; they are rebels.
I found out my husband was a transfer student. it broke my heart. It took me a while to get over.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Toothpicks and the like

I asked my crew, my team of creative consultants, to come up with things that they never buy.
As my blog is internationally recognized, I'd like to share the celebrity with them.
Here are the top answers from the only people that cared enough to play my sick game.

Ray McKinney
1. Spanish Wavy weave (inside joke)
2.Pop Rocks
3. wave cap
4. medical scrubs
5.pleated slacks

Erika Swanson
1. meat
2. blush
3. Malt O Meal
4. magazine subscriptions
5. sunglasses cases

Myah Aquil
1. Ducatis
2. Horseshoes
3.Baby Wipes
4.screw cd's

Friday, January 9, 2009


Can anyone tell me why some Black women love the color purple? Wait, let me rephrase this.
I think, so that makes it true, that the most of the women that LOVE the color purple happen to be Black.

I know lots of Black women that love being draped in purple. Purple shirts, purple bras, purple shoes...

I met a woman in Marshall's last week. She was behind me in line. She was dressed in purple from head to toe. She had purple candlestick holders, bath towels, and candles in her basket. I said, "Wow, you like purple." She responded by saying, "You should see my brand new Charger. Dodge Charger. 2009. Brand New. Purple." (She was like 60)
I saw her in the parking lot and indeed she has a purple car. I liked her.

Hmmh, but back to my original question. Does anyone know?
Thanks for helping.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Toothpicks and the like

I don't ever buy toothpicks.
I don't ever buy artichokes.
I don't ever buy diapers.
I don't ever buy Mucelex.
I don't ever buy tofu.
I don't ever buy cigarettes.
I don't ever buy whole milk.
I don't ever buy Polident.
I don't ever buy Equal or NutraSweet.
I don't ever buy motor oil.
I don't ever buy pencils.
I don't ever buy Cool Water Cologne.
I don't ever buy zucchini.
I don't ever buy Life Cereal.
I don't ever buy knee pads.
I don't ever buy Goya Juice (Myah does).
I don't ever buy vacuum bags.
I don't ever buy spinach.
I don't ever buy douche.
I don't ever buy Schlitz Malt Liquor Bull.
I don't ever buy incense.
I don't ever buy jherri curl activator.
I don't ever buy fuchsia lipstick.
I don't ever buy dominoes.
I don't ever buy cleats.
I don't ever buy Tone soap.
I don't ever buy shoe strings.
I don't ever buy dentures.
I don't ever buy cats.
I don't ever buy pomegranate juice.
I don't ever buy grapefruits.
I don't ever buy flippers.
I don't ever buy Swim Ear.
I don't ever buy press on nails.
I don't ever buy Rave hair spray.
I don't ever buy Swisher Sweets.
I don't ever buy Black and Milds.
I don't ever buy typewriters.
I don't every buy Scan-Trons.
I don't every buy crack.
I don't every buy Crystal Meth.
I don't ever buy heroin.
I don't ever buy Mylanta.
I don't ever buy Boston Baked Beans.
I don't buy steering wheel covers.
I don't ever buy Cher albums, cd's, or tapes.

More to come.

Today I saw...

Today I went home during my lunch break to take a nap.
While driving down 610, I noticed a red 96 or 97 Mustang. The top was down, so it caught my attention. It's a beautiful day but a tad too chilly for the top to be down.
As I looked closer, I realized that a HUGE LONG ladder was resting across the passenger seat all the way back through the backseat.
I chuckled. It made me smile. There's something about seeing a long metal work ladder in a convertible.

As I was leaving my home to head back to work, I noticed someone on a bicycle pedaling really fast and furious. I realized that it was my neighbor/friend. He also had a backpack on his back. How often do you see a 40+ man riding a bicycle with a backpack and it's not for exercise or because he's a cycling enthusiast?
He made me smile.

I love smiling.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

You want to go where everybody knows your name

If you do, then go to Randall's.
It's my all time favorite grocery store. Ever since I moved out on my own, Randall's has been my top choice. However, as we are in an economic recession and my husband thinks that Randall's is for Republicans, I don't shop there as much as I'd like.

I love that store. It's clean, warm. They are usually smaller and more intimate that that loud bustling cold Kroger's. It feels like a log cabin.

My, I like Randall's.

They always make sure they thank you with your name, if you use your Remarkable card.

It's one of the few grocery stores that have non minorities as checkers. The competitors would have you believe that minorities have a monopoly on checking jobs. Not at Randall's. They are an equal opportunity employer.

It's just cozy. Right. Cozy and Right. It's the way grocery shopping should be. Cozy and in a log cabin.

Hooray for Randall's!

These are phrases, collaquialisms, and sayings that I've always wanted to say and use

Author's Note:

These are phrases that I have not used due to:

-fear that the phrase belongs to a race that is not my own. (It is true. Races can actually own a phrase.)

-uncertainty of the actual phrase or if I've misphrased it in my brain

-fear of being a pretender (I hate sounding unnatural)

-backlash from my husband and/or BFF Myah (They give me grief about my dialect all the time. I used "fat-fingered" once and I'm still getting crap about that one.)

Author's Note: Part Deux:

This is a partial list.


That's all kinds of wrong.

He/She/IT/That is a hot mess.

I'm strictly *****

I beg your pardon.

Comme Si, Comme Ca

I am woman, hear me roar

Gag me with a spoon.

I'll be back (In Terminator voice)

I'll have what she's having.

You've got some nerve.

Heads are going to roll.

I was _ sheets to the wind. (i've never figured that one out. help)


She looks pretty long in the tooth.

Over my dead body.

How you doing? (In joey's voice from Friends. I think...)

Ayyy Papi.

Monday, January 5, 2009

Return to Sender

I have a funny story to share...
After you hear this, you will agree that this person is crazy and I'm not.

So, I had a friend. Let's call this friend Wilamena. So, Wilamena and I were good High School Friends. We had similar personalities in High School and had a WONDERFUL friendship. Somewhere between our senior year of High School and freshmen year of college, Wilamena and I stopped talking. Not sure why. Probably the typical 18 year old friendship ending stuff.
Well, we restarted our friendship again, sometime during sophmore year of college and were fine for many years.
There was just one problem. I HATED the friendship. The friend was fine, (I guess), the friendship wasn't. It was very unhealthy, filled with ignorant secrets, idiotic conversations, and just plain stupidity. (Try and figure out what all that means) :-)

Anyway, fast forward a few years later. The same ignorance is still going on. However, it's only one sided. Well, maybe it's two sided because I am still listening to it. However, as our age has increased, the ignorance has increased. This person is just involved with stuff that's just plain WRONG. I want to break up with Wilamena. badly. I just have no idea how. Especially, after she tells me a HUGE secret.

Anyway, long story short, Wilamena and I finally end. Not on my terms, but I am okay with it. Actually relieved. Blessed is probably a more fitting term.

Holidays 2008. I'm mailing Christmas cards. I am using the list that I used for my wedding invitations as it is the most comprehensive and up to date list that I have. As I'm addressing the envelopes, I include Wilamena and her family. Ooops. I'm faced with a dilemma. Do, I toss the envelope or just mail it out? Well, it's Christmas and I'm a Christian, afterall. :-) I am going to mail the card. It's the holidays, right? I've already written their name on the card. Oh Well.

I arrive home this weekend and sorting through mail. I notice an envelope that looks like our Christmas card. I assume it's from one of our friends' that have moved. I look a bit more and notice a BIG "RTS" written on the front in Wilamena's handwriting. (She has very distinctive handwriting, pretty... ) So, I pick up the envelope and smile. I think, Oh well, I guess she didn't want my card. FUNNY... In a sad, I really wasn't trying to befriend you kind of way... I was on my way to drop it in the trash, when it fell and I noticed additional writing on the back.
The writing on the back said something close to, "WE DON'T WANT THIS expletive AT OUR HOUSE."

She must be crazy. Who does that? It's one thing to feel like she hates me (for some unknown strange reason). It's another to even RTS. It's a whole nother CRAZY thing to write profanity on the card. I thought the USPS was like federal or something. I didn't think they allowed that sort of thing to get through.

Well, RTS/Return to Sender is my new fave slang. If Myah asks me about a TV show that I don't watch, I just reply with RTS.

Yep, she's crazy. Wilamena that is, because I aint.

I have a HUGE chip on my shoulder.

This will be very short, simple, and to the point.

I love Mexican food. Wait, I love Tex-Mex. Hold on, I LOVE Tex-Mex. There's nothing I love more than my chips and salsa.

You want to know what I don't like? I don't like when people that you're dining with automatically decide that the chips need additonal salt added, without even tasting first.

Okay, if you taste the chips and honeslty believe that they need a bit more salt; I'm fine with you adding salt. I just hate it when people do it automatically, like it's the way you eat chips and salsa. Don't just take your grubby little hands and toss that salt all over the chips.

Oh, and by the way, I've never tasted chips that needed extra salt.

Oh, and another thing, I dont think those chubby little hands need more salt in their system.

You just be crazy if you think I want all that damn salt on my chips.