Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Who says that judging is wrong... Okay, maybe it's a teeny bit wrong...

Don't judge me.
Thou shall not judge.
Who are you to judge?

Well, I'll tell you this...
Don't give me a reason to judge you.. and I wont.
I will judge you if you are crazy.
And finally. I'll tell you who I am... I'm NOT crazy... You, Sir/Mam; you are crazy.

As we move into 2010, and you foolishly attempt to create a resolution(s), I will graciously share this info with you. You can add these items to your handy dandy resolution/To Do or Not To Do List.
This is my public decree: If I witness, see or experience any of the following; I am allowed to judge.

1. If you have jherri curl, perm(on non Blacks), hairstyle like Kate of Jon&Kate fame, french roll, or I can judge. (I have seen people walking around with full fledged jheri curls in 2009; the later part of 2009 too)
2. If you have a mini van, I can judge. Don't give me the crap about families. They make Tahoes for that reason.
3. Camaros, Grand-Ams, Mustangs: If you own or plan to own any of these-JUDGEMENT. I hate everything about each of these cars. The mustang is probably the least offensive. But all of these reek of Tomball.
4. If you use your Facebook/Twitter as a tool for displaying your gross income, clothing inventory, or other method for bragging in a soulful fashion, I WILL JUDGE. So, you better come hard... And by hard, I mean Buffet. Warren Buffet that is.
5. If you don't get my humor and take yourself too serious, then JUDGEMENT FOR YOU.
6. If you are single and like to constantly judge married couple's relationships, then I am judging every ounce of you. That should be a law or something. Like Murder 1. Single people should not judge marriages. They just shouldn't. AT ALL. Well, I don't think non parents should judge parents.
7. If you tell me that you have auditioned for America's Top Model, I can do nothing but judge you. You better be a mini Giselle.
8. If you tell me that you don't have time for TV, or don't watch TV, or any other condescending comment about TV, I will judge you unless you are a well read, New York Times reading, Malcolm Gladwell quoting, Constitution Expert, "This American Life" listening to, gourmet cooking fool. I know that's a lot. But, hey...
9. If you are homophobic, but you have premarital sex, lie, just miss the mark in life generally; I AM FULL OF JUDGEMENT.
10. If you don't tell all of your friend's that this is the funniest blog, then... Okay, okay, that was a whack one.
11. If you have a cat, I am so sorry. You deserve every piece of judgement that I can muster up.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

These are a few of my favorite things...

I love that song. It always makes me feel warm and toasty inside. "These are a few of my favorite things."
That song always comes to mind when I receive a weekly present from my dear old dad. However, the gifts are NEVER any of my favorite things. Not even things that I sorta like. They are things that have NEVER crossed my mind. ever...
My dad called me this week and asked me to rush over, explaining that he had a few time sensitive gifts for me... Well, of course, I make my trip over to receive the following delights from Dear Old Dad...

Gift #1: Sequined Jacket
I've never owned anything sequined. Although sequins are back, if done in the most fabulous way. However, I have never owned nor worn sequins, so why Dad thought I would enjoy this jacket is beyond me. Wait, I just remembered. My madre wore a number of sequined berets and tops. Maybe he's confused us. I bet that's it.

Gift #2: Faux Black fur jacket with leopard lining

Dad actually gave me an awesome floor length mink one year. Its pretty cool. However, this Hannah Montanna jacket is far from mink. It looks like something Kim Zolziack would wear, if Big Poppa wasn't in her life... Yeah Dad, I love scratchy hard fur jackets that could chafe my arm and cause allergic reactions. Thanks!

Gift #3: Food Selection plus random holiday toy

Dad provided me an opened box of Crunch n Munch that was almost empty plus some Latin hydrogenated dessert vending matching treat. There was also some random holiday toy. I sure love random Mexican bakery treats plus old stale eaten Crunch n Munch. Yeah, not so much. Does this man even know who I am?

There was also a few other items that I shall list for you:
1. mail that was sent to me over 4 months ago (He's quite timely, have I mentioned)
2. mail that was sent to him
3. a receipt from the dollar store
4. a golden corral 15dollar gift card
5. a pocket calendar

There was actually one gem in all of that fun. There was a really cute jacket. I wont describe it more, b/c Ill be rocking it soon.
See, that's the thing about this insane smorgasbord of gifts, there could always be one diamond floating around. So, i have to sift through it all to ensure that I am not missing anything.
These are a few of my favorite things. I still hear that warm song playing in my ear, as I take my thoughtful gifts from Dad and put in the trash and Goodwill pile. God love him, he's my dad...