10 things to take away from takers before you take yourself to the movies and they take your $9

As cool as he may be, TI cannot act. He should focus on roles like he played in ATL. That character probably wasn’t too far from his reality. This “custom-suit wearing felon’ was written to be a street, yet, smooth dude. TI has no acting skills and overacted the horrible script.

Showing Idris Elba getting out of bed with only his underwear is enough to make Black women swoon and forget the horrible script.

As ignorant as it sounds, I prefer a crackhead from England any day to a US crackhead…. That crackhead had a certain level of posh to her…

Paul Walker isn’t as horrible as some actors, but its clear that his range is quite small. Limited to fast cars and heist activities. He should be thanking his parents he’s as cute as he is, otherwise he’d be a server at your local Chilis.

Matt Dillon’s face reeks of jerk, jerk, and more jerk. It almost looks like he’s wearing a “jerk mask”.

Joy Bryant owes a Hollywood casting agent a HUGE favor for casting her is such great movies. This debt is clearly why she did this TNT/TBS movie.

Takers is taking a lot of people for a ride with this rip off of “The Italian Job” and “The Score”

Idris Elba’s original accent sucks. I like him pretending to be American- i.e. Stringer Bell.

I think Idris Elba played the same character in Takers as he did in Obsessed, another crappy flick.

Note to self: If the movie is starring Paul Walker, I should wait to catch it on Netflix vs. the box office.

I can live without that...

There are a number of things that I could NEVER live without. I won’t bore you with the entire list. Yes, there is a list. I list everything. I even have a list of everyone I love. EVERYONE In ranked order. (just kidding, sorta) But, back to the subject at hand… Let me provide you a peak into things that I cannot live without.

I could never live without:

My Hubby: The Boy is fantastically wonderful…

My Ladybug: My overweight, attitude having, pink loving, manicure getting Chihuahua that visits a pet psychic-Nuff said

My DVR: How did we exist before this invention? Clearly in a dreadful existence

InStyle Subscription: I Love this magazine. Coming home and finding it in the mail is like Christmas, but every month, with petty clothes on every page.

Manicures: Oh, I love manicures. There is something about a weekly color change on my nails. Whether it’s a classic Essie shade of Pink or a wild funky Summer shade, manicures make me feel a little like Whitney Gilbert of Different World

Cheese: Do I even have to provide an explanation. Death to those idiots who don’t like cheese (Shout out to Whit)

Laughter: OMG! I laugh heartily, not a soft passive laugh; but a hearty laugh daily. I laugh at work, with The Boy, with my gal pals, and even at people. Yes, AT PEOPLE. I laugh at people all the time. Usually stupid and ugly people. Get a life, I’m just joking. But, I do love laughing…

Books: Do you remember Captain OG Readmore of Saturday Morning Cartoons. How about Levar Burton on Reading Rainbow. Boy, do I love a yummy good book. I try to read a book a week. Sometimes, I’ll even juggle a few at a time…

So, that’s just a sampling of things that I can’t live without… But that was stuff that I cannot live without. Now , let me tell you some mess, that I could definitely live a fulfilled happy, pleasant, meaningfully, adjusted, cathartic, romantic, friendly, funny, life without… You get the point. If you don’t, let me translate: I don’t need this ish (shout out to Erika for alternate version of profane language)

I now present, Stuff I could live without!

1. Cold pastas-COLD PASTAS? WTF I hate cold pastas. I just don’t get it. You cook it and then cool it. Sounds counterproductive to me. I guess it’s ok. I just don’t like it when Black people make it. They really think that they are inventive or clever… it makes them feel like they are getting their Bobby Flay on. Cold Pasta. Sheesh. No thanks. I’ll have my spaghetti with marinara or my penne with some other sauce. But yeah, WARM…

2. Cigarettes+perfume So, I don’t know who these women are that think that cigarette smell can be masked with perfume. It's the worst possible combination. You suck down a nicotine suicide bomb and then spray 22 bursts of the cheapest "designers imposter's" musk that you can find. I am usually the innocent bystander. I happen to be getting on the elevator, on my way to work. I'm usually humming a christian melody or something. (just go with it.) So, yeah, I'm beautiful dressed in virginal white, skipping to work and in the best mood. I get in the elevator and immediately I know. The smoking musk bandit has joined me. I look to my right and inevitably it's a short overweight woman that has her cigarette lighter in hand plus her pack, from which she just pulled her cigarette. She's obviously done with her "smoke break." As if the overwhelming nicotine isn't enough; its her dreadful perfume that she doused on right before she left for her break. She thinks it calms the nicotine. There's clearly something in cigarettes that when it meets that musk it creates one foul funky odor. Good day. I can totally live without that combination.

3. Facebook/Twitter socialists: I hate socialists. They suck. Wasn't Stalin a socialist? I dunno. But I've decided that some people on FB and Twitter are socialists... Here's what prompted this. The other day, some random folks decided that on that particular day they wanted to take a day off from their normal random twitter/fb commentary randomness and focus on a major current event of the day. I'm okay with that portion. The current event was actually relevant and I was pleased to see people taking an interest in civic and current issues. What I could and can live without; was the elitist attitude that these punks took. B/C on that day, they decided to stop whining about nonsense and to follow something, they started making comments on the mass of folks who chose not to devote their FB or twtitter commentary to said subject. They really felt important and self righteous. They were judging us for not following in their footsteps and speaking on the subject. As I laughed at their ignorance, I was also outraged. Where are these idiots on a daily basis when less publicized but not less important realities are taking place? How dare they sit on their socialist throne and judge me b/c I prefer to keep my fb and twitter statuses just as I like. You FB/Twiter socialist; if you were more constant with your social commentary and not sporadically aware; then i might enjoy you. But, b/c you are nothing more that a Stalin of social networking, eh, I can live without you.

4. Bad Children... Me no Likey. This is controversial, but I have no problem saying it. Kids are real people; just smaller and younger versions. Ergo, I have no qualms with referring to a kid with the same disdain that I do with full sized adults. I don't want to hear your feedback ; so save it. They are well aware that they are jerks and jerketts. I don't like bad kids. I know a young kid and I want nothing more than to punch him. He's a full fledged jerk. But, I guess b/c he's a kid and all; i have to respect his youthfulness and ignore his disrespect. Yeah, whatever. If that young punk even looks at me crazy again, I'm kicking his butt. Promise. Well, half promise. I don't want to go to jail. But, yeah, I don't like bad kids.

5. Discount Cards-CVS/Kroger/Randalls I hate those idiotic key fobs. I hate providing my personal information so that Big Brother can monitor my spending habits... i don't understand the purpose of these cards. Why not make the card prices the regular prices and call it a day. How many of us don't have the damn cards anyway? Well, at the grocery stores, there probably are enough folks that don't have the cards, that they make a killing on full prices. Some folks that are just running in for 1 item and don't feel like providing their information... However, at CVS, even if you don't have the card, they just scan one in anyway. For some reason, even though I'm saving money and the cashier has just done me a huge favor by scanning their register card; I get angry. Dammit, I don't want a card involved. Don't swipe anything. I'm an idiot, i want to pay $90 for that gum vs $1.00. I just hate the idea of those cards. I hate people that have 78 of those plastic dirty cards on their key rings. Talk about unsanitary. Those things have got to be filled with grit and germs. I'm sure that people who have those cards also have more frequent cases of colds and other outbreaks. The CDC should issue a warning about them. I could live a perfectly happy existence without ever having to deal with one of those things again.

For your reading enjoyment; please find more things I could live without in a simple list format:

bad liars-liars who convince me are ok. horrible ones suck

crawfish-never gotten into that mess

cursive-i rarely use it

dominoes-i hate the sound, look, and feel of dominoes (the game, not the pizza)

citgo gas-who gets gas from there anyway

male strippers-like for real... really?

elizabeth hasselback-does this really require an explanation

Naw, I dont want to peddle that. You must be crazy

Once again, I am convinced that people are crazy. I've recently been re-introduced to a exclusive sect of craziness that I'd almost forgotten about.

MULTI LEVEL MARKETING


"Multi Level Marketing; What's that", the unsuspecting reader might ask. Well, my ignorant friend, let me tell you. Multi Level Marketing ,according to Wikipedia, is: a term that describes a marketing structure used by some companies as part of their overall marketing strategy. It's also called direct selling, referral marketing, and pyramid selling. Oh, I've got your attention now; don't I? PYRAMID.
And, if it's on Wikipedia; it's got to be the truth right? That's a whole 'nother blog...

Still a bit confused? Let me do some name dropping for you: Avon, MaryKay, Pampered Chef, Cabi, Noni Juice, and the list goes on. and on. and on. and on. and on. I think you get the point.
There's a lot of these multi level marketing companies out there...

So, here's the deal. I've got no ethical beef with these companies. I don't think they are dishonest, unethical, or make horrible products. However, I do have beef with the damn fools that peddle their products and try to get me to "work under them" and recruit more people.

Here's my issue...

So, as I've mentioned up thread (well, really wasn't up thread but I read a lot of forums and they use that term a lot; so I needed to here).. Yes, up thread, I mentioned that I think the premise of MLM works. Basically, you are a rep (direct sales rep) for a product(s) and you sell the products/ services to the general public. Clearly, it's all direct sales; so no stores. Your customers tend to be family, friends, and you build from there.
However, the real money in these direct sales business is in recruiting more folks that peddle the products and the head peddler, then, makes residual income from the sales team's profits...
Have you ever reluctantly made a purchase from your neighbor who was peddling Mary Kay? You did it just to be nice. Then the next day, she slinks over and says "Jane, you always are so fashionable. Would you like to make some extra money?"
Now, they cleverly package this, because, how many people really DON'T want extra money?
So, the average UNTRAINED person says, "sure, extra money" with a goofy laugh...
Then, your neighbor invites you to the dynamic meeting on a Thursday evening, maybe Monday evening. You just have to come, she tells you. She uses "dynamic" a lot.
That's it!
She needs you to come to that damn sales meeting. This, my friends, is the breeding ground of the peddlers. They have these "success stories" like the mom who divorced her husband and didn't have money to put her kids in daycare, but needed to work. She started selling Mary Kay b/c she could do it and stay home with her kids. GUESS WHAT? She's got a pink Cadillac and has 1000 people working under her... It's amazing... Woo Hoo Clap! YAY!

They all use the same verbiage: It's wonderful to make a TON of money and be your own boss, you are investing in your own future, trends are showing that most products purchased in the US are headed towards direct sales, and of course; they spout some stat on how even in a down economy the product that they are peddling is fool proof. For makeup, they usually, say, "Ladies, even in a down economy, we are not getting rid of our makeup, right? We have to look good".
that's supposed to be the fire that gets you riled up and going, sign me up.
So, you sign up... But that's half the battle. Honey child, you gotta slang that product. Not only do you have to slang, but you better start recruiting your team.
It's like a gang...

OK, so if that isn't enough evidence, Your Honor, on why I think these people are crazy; allow me to provide a personal antidote.

So, a coworker approaches me abt some MLM business. This one happens to be voice over IP phone line systems. Clearly, a very popular trend right now...
He tells me that he's making tons of money with this business and he respects me so much that he wants to share with me. 1. I don't believe that he's making a ton of money. 2. Why me. He's never asked me to lunch, coffee, or anything. So, how did i have the golden ticket?
After dodging him for months, he comes into my office and hands my his cell phone. He says, "You've got to meet Mrs. X. Mrs X is our National Director and she's dynamic. (there's that word again)
Mrs X is flying to Houston and I've told her all about you and she just wants to say hi.
I reluctantly take his flip phone. Mrs X begins her pitch. She's perfected it, obviously. She tells me that this business has her flying all over the country, but she will be in Houston next week and she wants to meet me.
Trick #1: If I were an idiot, I would be impressed. I'd think, wow, Mrs X is traveling and she's going to carve out some time for me. Lil Ole Me? Not me. B/C... I'm not crazy.
So, I agree to a coffee meeting with Mrs X. Meanwhile, my coworker is practically drooling. He's telling me how lucky I am that I get to meet Mrs X. He tells me that she's a former doctor; that quit practicing medicine, just to pursue this business.
Trick #2: If I were an idiot, I would think: wow, this business has go to be foolproof! A doctor quit her job to do this... But, guess what? I ain't crazy....
So, Fast Forward. I am at Starbucks waiting on Mrs X to arrive... In my mind, I'm thinking Mrs X better be put together from head to toe.
So, in walks Mrs X. She's an attractive woman, but her wig is of poor quality and her entire demeanor totally reeks of Katy Mills Mall...
So, already I'm turned off...
So her spiel is like so: So, I was a doctor and one of my surgeon friends turned me on about this business. So, I stared doing it to simply pay my country club dues. I'm a huge golfer. My monthly dues were $2500.00 and this was just going to cover that.
Trick #3: If I were an idiot, I'd be impressed that this woman belongs to a country club... and then started doing this just to cover her dues; which were $2500. OMG, I am so excited. But, I'm no fool..

My hands hurt, so I wont bore you with the rest of the tricks. You can hit me up for more.
But, bottom line, Mrs X used the same verbiage/lines that have been used on me with Cabi Clothing, Body Magic Girdles, Mary Kay, Primerica, and all the other MLM.
So, here's the kicker. I get home and research Mrs X on my handy dandy Google...
Add yall, this woman used every single line verbatim on a informerical for PrePaid Legal, another MLM...
The same exact verbiage.
I did more research... Apparently, she's done all the MLM products and uses the same speech on those. She's left every MLM under heavy scrutiny...
She's the Erika Kane of MLM. The Heidi Pratt, the the the... Well, you get it.
She ain't s*it...

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
Naw, I don't want to peddle your knives, financial planning, or anything else. I've heard all the lines before. I'm comfortable working for The Man!
As a matter of fact, The Man might be reading... Thanks Man! I love my corporate job...

Oh, and yesterday this woman this random waoman tried to get me to go to theis dynamic meeting for Primerica. I had to tell her, Naw, I aint peddling that.

If I had the gall...

I think a lot. I like to think that I think a lot more than the average person.

I think I really think more than you because I used "think' two different times in one sentence. Aha! (did that make sense to anyone besides me)

Seriously, though... My mind is constantly whirring. I used to wonder if my mind was privy to some "Big Brother" type psychotherapist who was busy writing judgement filled notes about my never ending thoughts and ideas. I, sincerely, wish that my brain was whirring with amazing brainiac ideas on how to prevent global warming, how to make life better for unborn generations, or even how I could lose these ridiculous post pregnancy 15 pounds; although I've never been pregnant. Unwanted weight is always excused whenever post pregnancy is mentioned; so I'll go for it here. Semantics, I swear. Back to my damn post, though...

However, my mind is usually whirring with insane, inappropriate thoughts.

If I had the gall, I'd publicly share these thoughts in the moment that they happen, but I don't. My blog title says it all, "You must be crazy, because I ain't." I totally realize that I'm all talk, and little action.

I'm still that scary girl that was teased and called "Snotty Nad-i" because of my still present congested nasal passage. While the bullies in my urban, low economic elementary , AKA "school in the hood" teased me, I laughed in my head with such cruel thoughts of, "at least I know who my father is", "are those pro-wings, you dirty jerk", and "call me snotty-nadi when you're making my #3, dude."

But, I'm not crazy and I never said those things. But boy, if I ever did get the gall, whew I'd be hell on wheels.

And with that, I present, "If I had the gall" (must be sung in the voice of Beyonce singing "If I were a boy".... Replace with If I had the gall...

IF I HAD THE GALL:

1. When that woman walked in the nail shop with an attitude requesting a full set last week and looking at me sideways as if I took her spot, I would have looked at her sideways and then asked, "A full set, what is this 1996?" Who still gets acrylics these days?

I'm a mani only girl, but I don't think people still get acrylics. Those that can, MINX; those that can't, don't. That's it. We're off that acrylic stuff. Although quite overused, but still usable, "on to the next one" or you can use Jay Z's other song "we off that"

2. I would reply to all of the passive aggressive tweets and facebook messages and tell people that they ain't fooling nobody. (And I meant nobody, not anybody)

3. I would remove Kate from Jon&Kate from my mental rolodex. She annoys me more than Kanye annoys Taylor Swift. Her hair, her extensions, her acrylic nails. I don't even know if she has acrylics. I feel like she does.

4. I would tell Beyonce that she cant act. It hurts me to even type that. Seriously. #1. I LOVE Bey. For real. Nuff said. #2. I like people to continue to try things that they are genetically, environmentally and culturally predispositioned to fail in. Example, I CANT sing nor dance. However, I try my damnedest on a daily basis to succeed at both. But, Beyonce... I don't think there's any getting around this one. I wonder if she actually watched, "Obsessed". I doubt it. That undeniable flat, Houston, Texas twang; her usually sexy raspy voice just falls flat when trying to project emotion and feeling into a script. I love her dearly and I'm all about overcoming the odds. I just wish I could be the one to be walking in Soho with Bey. Wait, imagine this... We stop at The Spotted Pig, OUR fave restaurant in the City. (She does love The Spotted Pig, btw) We'd stop for a cocktail that the bartender originally crafts for us.. By the way, we're both super causal with our vintage Ray-Ban's, jeans paired with heels. I have on a casual white jcrew poplin; she has on a crew neck T, and we're laughing. I turn to her and in my best, deepest, Oprah baritone voice, and I say, "Bey, you know you can't act, right?"

5. I would tell Eminem that I absolutely love/adore him as a rapper. However, this last CD was depressing. He's on some ole White boy stuff now. I am SOOOO over him talking about his mom. We get it. She was a whack job. Now, give me some grittier lyrics. I guess this CD was a cathartic exercise as prescribed by his shrink to overcome the addiction issues. Ah, I long for classic Eminem.

6. I would tell every person that recommends the "Twighlight" series to me that I don't care how unexpectedly good it is. I just don't want to read that silliness. And that's a big deal for me b/c I love to read. But, I just don't feel like reading about some vampires. Plus, 15 year olds read it, plus, suburban housewives read it. I don't want to. Can I say that? *Kanye shrug*

7. I would tell the grumpy checkers at Wal-Mart, that if they had paid attention in school like their teachers asked, they could be working at Target. Wal-Mart is where they send kids who thought it was cool to be suspended.

8. I would tell Reggie Bush that although most men and women agree that Kim Kardashian is a very attractive woman; he might rethink the marriage thing. She made a sex tape and a lot of people watched. A lot. Including me. Did I mention the tape was with Ray J? That's Brandy's little brother right? He was on Moesha, right? I am sure that I could find him an equally surgically enhanced Armenian (if that's what he's into) woman that was not a porn star with Moesha's brother.

9. I would ask everyone to remove SMH from their darn virtual vocabularies. I HATE IT. If you don't know what that means, then the better for you.

10. I would politely tell the men that have gold teeth that even though I'm married, which makes this a moot point; but if they perhaps didn't have the golden teeth, they may be able to find a nice young woman. Those men like to say things like, "look at you, you a business woman." I wish I could tell them that they might have a better chance at snagging a business woman if those teeth were white.

Disclaimer: My husband LOVES to tell me how negative my blog is. It's all in jest. So, if this offends you, then don't come back. Unless your name is Ray McKinney; then you're my husband and you have to come back. I'm not a negative Nelly, just a Neato Nadia. If it makes you feel any better, if I had the gall I would tell myself to buy new jeans b/c my muffin tops are visible to everyone. Not just me.

Keep laughing. I do.

NM