Thursday, February 11, 2010

If I had the gall...


I think a lot. I like to think that I think a lot more than the average person.
I think I really think more than you because I used "think' two different times in one sentence. Aha! (did that make sense to anyone besides me)
Seriously, though... My mind is constantly whirring. I used to wonder if my mind was privy to some "Big Brother" type psychotherapist who was busy writing judgement filled notes about my never ending thoughts and ideas. I, sincerely, wish that my brain was whirring with amazing brainiac ideas on how to prevent global warming, how to make life better for unborn generations, or even how I could lose these ridiculous post pregnancy 15 pounds; although I've never been pregnant. Unwanted weight is always excused whenever post pregnancy is mentioned; so I'll go for it here. Semantics, I swear. Back to my damn post, though...
However, my mind is usually whirring with insane, inappropriate thoughts.

If I had the gall, I'd publicly share these thoughts in the moment that they happen, but I don't. My blog title says it all, "You must be crazy, because I ain't." I totally realize that I'm all talk, and little action.
I'm still that scary girl that was teased and called "Snotty Nad-i" because of my still present congested nasal passage. While the bullies in my urban, low economic elementary , AKA "school in the hood" teased me, I laughed in my head with such cruel thoughts of, "at least I know who my father is", "are those pro-wings, you dirty jerk", and "call me snotty-nadi when you're making my #3, dude."
But, I'm not crazy and I never said those things. But boy, if I ever did get the gall, whew I'd be hell on wheels.

And with that, I present, "If I had the gall" (must be sung in the voice of Beyonce singing "If I were a boy".... Replace with If I had the gall...

IF I HAD THE GALL:

1. When that woman walked in the nail shop with an attitude requesting a full set last week and looking at me sideways as if I took her spot, I would have looked at her sideways and then asked, "A full set, what is this 1996?" Who still gets acrylics these days?

I'm a mani only girl, but I don't think people still get acrylics. Those that can, MINX; those that can't, don't. That's it. We're off that acrylic stuff. Although quite overused, but still usable, "on to the next one" or you can use Jay Z's other song "we off that"

2. I would reply to all of the passive aggressive tweets and facebook messages and tell people that they ain't fooling nobody. (And I meant nobody, not anybody)


3. I would remove Kate from Jon&Kate from my mental rolodex. She annoys me more than Kanye annoys Taylor Swift. Her hair, her extensions, her acrylic nails. I don't even know if she has acrylics. I feel like she does.

4. I would tell Beyonce that she cant act. It hurts me to even type that. Seriously. #1. I LOVE Bey. For real. Nuff said. #2. I like people to continue to try things that they are genetically, environmentally and culturally predispositioned to fail in. Example, I CANT sing nor dance. However, I try my damnedest on a daily basis to succeed at both. But, Beyonce... I don't think there's any getting around this one. I wonder if she actually watched, "Obsessed". I doubt it. That undeniable flat, Houston, Texas twang; her usually sexy raspy voice just falls flat when trying to project emotion and feeling into a script. I love her dearly and I'm all about overcoming the odds. I just wish I could be the one to be walking in Soho with Bey. Wait, imagine this... We stop at The Spotted Pig, OUR fave restaurant in the City. (She does love The Spotted Pig, btw) We'd stop for a cocktail that the bartender originally crafts for us.. By the way, we're both super causal with our vintage Ray-Ban's, jeans paired with heels. I have on a casual white jcrew poplin; she has on a crew neck T, and we're laughing. I turn to her and in my best, deepest, Oprah baritone voice, and I say, "Bey, you know you can't act, right?"

5. I would tell Eminem that I absolutely love/adore him as a rapper. However, this last CD was depressing. He's on some ole White boy stuff now. I am SOOOO over him talking about his mom. We get it. She was a whack job. Now, give me some grittier lyrics. I guess this CD was a cathartic exercise as prescribed by his shrink to overcome the addiction issues. Ah, I long for classic Eminem.

6. I would tell every person that recommends the "Twighlight" series to me that I don't care how unexpectedly good it is. I just don't want to read that silliness. And that's a big deal for me b/c I love to read. But, I just don't feel like reading about some vampires. Plus, 15 year olds read it, plus, suburban housewives read it. I don't want to. Can I say that? *Kanye shrug*

7. I would tell the grumpy checkers at Wal-Mart, that if they had paid attention in school like their teachers asked, they could be working at Target. Wal-Mart is where they send kids who thought it was cool to be suspended.

8. I would tell Reggie Bush that although most men and women agree that Kim Kardashian is a very attractive woman; he might rethink the marriage thing. She made a sex tape and a lot of people watched. A lot. Including me. Did I mention the tape was with Ray J? That's Brandy's little brother right? He was on Moesha, right? I am sure that I could find him an equally surgically enhanced Armenian (if that's what he's into) woman that was not a porn star with Moesha's brother.

9. I would ask everyone to remove SMH from their darn virtual vocabularies. I HATE IT. If you don't know what that means, then the better for you.

10. I would politely tell the men that have gold teeth that even though I'm married, which makes this a moot point; but if they perhaps didn't have the golden teeth, they may be able to find a nice young woman. Those men like to say things like, "look at you, you a business woman." I wish I could tell them that they might have a better chance at snagging a business woman if those teeth were white.

Disclaimer: My husband LOVES to tell me how negative my blog is. It's all in jest. So, if this offends you, then don't come back. Unless your name is Ray McKinney; then you're my husband and you have to come back. I'm not a negative Nelly, just a Neato Nadia. If it makes you feel any better, if I had the gall I would tell myself to buy new jeans b/c my muffin tops are visible to everyone. Not just me.
Keep laughing. I do.
NM

2 comments:

Thinker-Bell and Macky said...

hahahaha you're a brilliant writer!!! man everytime i need a break i hop on over here and trust me, its always a good laugh...btw, what does SMH mean? does that mean im cool if i dont know the meaning...and YES, Kate annoys me too...i want her out of DWTS...but i know you're too cool to watch that show...maybe i'll share that tip w/your mom someday!!! CIAO...

Mo City Princess said...

oh, this is the funniest thing i've read all week! hands down. The part about Bey acting and the visual you provided was priceless!