What If? + Facebook = Terror

"What If" is a game that I play often. I know... Sounds innocent enough... But, my What If's are always so extra, so over the top, and so unnecessary. I usually play What If with Myah or Ray.

Example:

Nadia to Ray: What if you came home and I was naked in bed with another man?



Nadia to Myah: What if I kidnapped Avi (Myah's daughter)?



"What If" is so fun to me...

So, Myah and I were parking lot pimping at the neighborhood Chili's the other day and started a What If Game in regards to Facebook statuses. We came to the conclusion that it would not be fun.

Here is some of our best work:

Nadia is horny.
Myah is a complete liar.
Nadia is suicidal.
Myah is thinking about cheating on her husband.
Nadia is stealing money from her job.
Myah hates her in-laws.
Nadia is cheating on her husband.
Myah is watching porn.
Nadia thinks her best friend's marriage is horrible.
Myah is in love with Nadia's husband.
Nadia killed a man last night and buried him in her backyard.
Myah has an eating disorder.
Nadia chews and spits food.
Myah hasn't bathed in two weeks.
Nadia left her children at home and went to a bar and passed out.

I think you get it. We answered our own What If. If people did have statuses like that, Facebook would be even better.

Confession

I have a confession. I finally admitted it to myself today. Now, I'm sharing with you. I haven't even told my husband this.

I am dying to talk just like Claire Huxtable. (If you don't know who Claire Huxtable is, just go away. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. You are no longer welcome in my world) I love the way that woman talks.

She's so sassy yet polished. She even finishes her sassiness sometimes with a run from a song or a sister girl neck roll that is soooo not sister girl. I love her.

I'm just dying to say to Ray: " Ray, I know you are not leaving your underwear on the floor." Ray will say something and I will follow up with, "Sir, when you have your own personal maid around here then you can do stuff like that. Until then, please march your behind to the nearest hamper." This will be accompanied by a major neck roll and finger wagging. I will finish all of this by singing in a total blues voice, "This man is making me crazy."

The audience will laugh and the show will fade out.

Don't you love Claire's sassiness? I do.

I think Doritos and unknown preserves are a great gift, don't you?

So... I've been away for a while. Kinda tired. Plus my Dad and I are on the outs, so I've been in a remission from his gifts. No worries, I'll get more soon.

But, I will share with you the last treasure that I received from him.

Gift 1: Misc food items

So this particular present consisted of a bag of Doritos of varied flavors. I didn't even know that Doritos even made a duel flavor option bag. So, yeah, a bunch of chips. Thanks Dad. I really needed about 15 large sized bags of Doritos. If you look closely, you will notice a jar in the center of the Doritos. Yeah, that's a jar of preserves of something unknown. I don't eat preserves. Hell, I've never even understood the preserving concept. That's just country stuff. Anyway, yeah, not sure what's being preserved in the jar, but I don't want it.

Thanks Daddy. I'll never be hungry again. Not with these Doritos and preserves.

Well, my Dad doesn't stop there. He also dabbles in gits of fashion for me. He decided to head to his local thrift store and purchase 2 pair of shoes for me. One is a sized 7, one is a 6.5. I wear an 8.

The first pair is a very dusty old Salvatore Ferragamos. They're not even that bad... They're just used, dusty, and stinky. Plus the wrong size.

The next pair could almost be cute. Except for the the stinky, old, dusty factor.

Well, at least I'll never be hungry or shoeless thanks to my father.